Superman is the most depressing hopeful hero in the world. He can do anything except appeal to a modern audience.


Space Baby

Superman was born on the planet Krypton, filled with another alien race that looks exactly like humans, which is also at war with itself, exactly like humans. While he was an infant, his father implanted him with a codex. Why? CAUSE FUCK YOU! That's why! He's then launched into space as his planet implodes then explodes. He then arrives on Earth, because Earth has this reputation of being the greatest fucking planet in the universe. There he is found by unfeeling species, or DC humans, who decide to adopt him, possibly in hopes of raising him to be an unstoppable killing machine.


Clark using Heatvision as a child

Lil' Killing Machine.

So, Superman spent the majority of his early childhood living with superpowered ADHD. Because of this, he is made fun of by a bunch of asshole students and it's not impossible to believe that he might have killed someone in his youth. However, the plot calls on him one day as it blows up the tires of the school bus he's on.  He displays his power of super apathy as his schoolmates begin to drown, but eventually saves the bus, probably due to growing sick of hearing them die. 

However, upon discussing it with his father later, he's told that he should have let them die and his words could not be interpreted any other way. His father then decides to psychologically shatter his son's emotional state by revealing to Superman that he wasn't even human! Considering Superman just lifted a bus, that must have been some earth shattering revelation. His father then embraces his son, knowing that he now has full psychological control over the most powerful being on the planet.

Letting His Father Die

Superman was molded more and more into an apathetic killing machine over the years by his father. However, his teachings would be put to the test when the plot creates a tornado. Seeing people in trouble, Superman wishes to help, however, not wanting his hard work to go to waste, his father tells him to stay behind with his mother. However, his father becomes injured and is unable to go on. Superman tries one more time to break from the apathetic lifestyle that his father had molded him with. Taking the chance to further make Superman his slave and psychologically torment him, his father stops him from saving him, allowing him to die.

Early Adulthood

Clark at the oil rig

He just did this to show off.

After his father died, Superman left his most likely grieving mother to live alone in order to travel the globe. As he traveled the globe, he performed various feats of strength and he NEVER ONCE SAVED ANYONE! However, knowing the government would be on his ass and would be able to do absolutely nothing to him if they caught him, Superman decides to disappear after each act of not saving anyone. Then he destroys an innocent trucker's livelihood for no reason by crucifying his truck.

Meeting Lois Lane

"This is going to hurt"
―Superman to Lois before he burns her
Clark Heatvision

Superman being a psychopath.

In the MOTHER of all coincidences, Lois Lane arrives in the arctic where Superman happens to be working at the time. During that night, Superman heads out and burns a huge hole into the arctic excavation, most likely compromising the structural integrity of the ice. He comes across an Ancient Spaceship, with a slot inside that Superman's key necklace perfectly into, which is almost the equivalent of a modern day flash drive being able to be placed into an WWII era computer and working. However, Superman is attacked by a robot that's angry that he didn't put the key in all the way, so once Superman puts the key in all the way, the robot decides to stop trying to kill him. Superman enters the ship and comes across some dead things, when he hears a woman groaning. Superman finds the robot attacking Lois and ruthlessly murders it. He then pins Lois down and burns her with his laser eyes. Superman then flies off in his spaceship and leaves Lois to die in the arctic.

Learning to Fly

While in the ship, Superman meets an AI of his father that is luckily robotic enough to act exactly like his actual father. His dad then tells him some boring unimportant story about Krypton before giving Superman a 5000 year old suit that conveniently fits him. Then Superman tries to fly, but fails at having audience members connect with him.



Powers & Abilities


  • Kryptonian Bodily Fluids
    • Super Strength: He's pretty fucking strong. He almost broke a nokia phone once.
    • Super Speed: He moves fast. That ability name is pretty self-explanatory.
    • Flight: CAN FUCKING FLY! Does it really have to be spelled out?!
    • Heat Vision: He can shoot lasers out of his eyes.
    • Invulnerability: He is the opposite of vulnerable.