"Pizza time!"

Spider-Man does whatever a spider can. Spins a web any size. Catches thieves just like flies.


When No One Cared About Him

Spider-Man was once an ordinary guy that no one cared about unless his face was being punched, and even then... Then he gets bitten by a radioactive spider, which manages to rewrite his genetic code...OK. Then, yadda yadda bullet to uncle blah blah Great Power yadda blah Spider-Man. Also there was this shamelessly lazy retcon of him being in the second Iron Man 2 movie because we still have to retroactively make that movie better.

Recruited by Iron Man

Spider-Man was having a good day, found a dvd player, and his algebra test: nailed it! But then Iron Man showed up at his door, hit on his aunt, then blackmailed him into skipping school so he can join a fight he has no stakes in against one of the most skilled fighters in the world, one of the deadliest assassins in the world, and the girl who single handedly took down the original Avengers team.

The Airport

#TeamIronMan made their way to an airport to meet #TeamCap. There, Spider-Man makes his debut in someone else's movie. Then Spider-Man acts like a total dork. However, Ant-Man is able to get the drop on him, because Spidey's spider-sense was probably taking a day. Spidey then decides to further demonstrate to Tony that bringing him in was a bad idea by showing that he has no idea what to do. So he decides to head after the black guy and the cripple to show that he's a badass. After he's done wiping the floor with the least developed heroes in the series, Spider-Man is flung out the window.


When wearing the mask, Spider-Man seems incapable of recognizing when shit has hit the fan, because he just refuses to shut up in situations where he should really shut the hell up.

Powers & Abilities


  • Super Strength
  • Can crawl walls (even if the suit covers the hair folicles on his feet and hands that he supposedly sticks with.....)
  • ´Tda 'tda, does whatever a spider can! (Except give birth to spiders, shoot webs out of his butthole, suck the blood out of flies, and hide in your shoe)
  • Being a scrawny nerdy Queens kid, who likes the same nerd shit you do, talks in the same way you do, and drops the same lame jokes you do, yet still scoring triple the amount of girls that you do.
  • Having a hot aunt (Only in one version, two if you're into Sally Field..............and three if you like the oldies)
  • Make a super solute that sticks to surfaces, but doesn't destroy them. It's also in extremely compact cartridges, but it doesn't stick to the inside, neither does it solidify or liquify. It's also made so it dissolves completely after an hour. Despite being able to make this with silicone, water and some solutes from a children's science play set, the kid still goes to public school.