- "I just had sex and I'm about to eat NACHOS! IT'S THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!"
- ―Darth Kylo
Darth Kylo is a villain from the Star Wars franchise. A self-proclaimed hipster, Darth Kylo is known for his hatred of rules, machines, and old people.
Rebel with a Cause
Kylo Skywalker was a jedi under the teachings of his uncle, Luke Skywalker. However, as he grew older, he became influenced by hipster-like tendencies such as wishing to rebel against the status quo. Hoping to shake things up, Kylo created a lightsaber that utilized a different design, so he could say he was using it before it was cool. But when his other students laughed at his hipster-like douchebaggery, Kylo discovered he's really good at killing things when he's angry, so he killed all the students in the rain in hopes to be considered edgy and then joined a cult.
- "Darth Kylo is totally shredded!"
- ―Darth Kylo
Hoping to gain insight on the workings of the Space Hipsters, Kylo went undercover as Matt, a Radar Technician. Throughout his week as Matt, Kylo began to learn the hardships of the people working under him, such as talking to a worker who's son he had murdered. Kylo began to learn the importance of teamwork in the workplace. Kylo also learned what many of them thought of him, leading to him throwing a stormtrooper into a vending machine after he started choking on food. Kylo's disguise was flawless, however, his workers surprised him by being to see through his well put together disguise early on. Impressed with this feat, he promotes one of the officers to dead guy.
Drunk on Power
After becoming the commander of the cult, Kylo was tasked by Snow to kill his uncle, Luke, which Kylo is happy to do, since at this point, Luke has become an old man. Kylo looks for a map that is being held in the desert. He commands an army of Stormtroopers to find it, only to see that it belonged to an old man and Kylo doesn't like old men, so he kills him. Then, realizing that the villagers of the village he attacked were all just old people, he orders they all be shot and killed. He manages to capture a pilot named Po, after somehow freezing light in the air, and takes him to his ship, the Star Killer. He tells Po to talk to the hand and Po does, revealing that an 8-ball droid has the map to Luke.
- "Show me the power..."
- ―Darth Kylo
Kylo sends troops to retrieve the droid. Moments later he is told that his troops failed. Knowing that his computer system had been spying on him and had alerted the droid, Kylo pulls out his lightsaber and mercilessly slaughters his computer. He then makes it to the Death Star Mk III, where he meets with his Master, Snow. Snow informs Kylo that his father has the droid they're looking for. Kylo tells his master that it means nothing to him, even though both of them know that Hans has become an old man and we all know how Kylo feels about old men.
However, Kylo begins to feel some guilt towards slaughtering the computer, other old people, and wanting to stab his father in his old man chest the first chance he gets, and decides to have a therapy session with the charred remains of Darth Vader. However, determined to continue down his path of douchbaggery, he reminds himself of the power of the darkness by snorting his grandfather's ashes.
Death to the Old People!
The Space Hipsters finish the Death Star Mk III and uses it for the first time to blow up the prequel system AKA planets filled with people six movies old. Kylo stares straight into the beam fired and as a result, saw spots for hours. Kylo then learns that the droid they're looking for is in a bar run by a several thousand year old woman, so he rationally invades her tavern with a full scale army and blows the shit out of the bar. He is told that the droid went into the woods with a girl. Sensing the plot flowing through her, he follows her.
He confronts Ray in the woods where she starts firing in the same spot, allowing him to easily deflect her blasts. He forces her to talk to the hand, which proves too much for her and she collapses. Kylo realizes Ray's seen the map to Skywalker and assumes she has a photographic memory and plans to extract the information from her later.
- "You're my guest!"
- ―Darth Kylo
Kylo interrogates Ray taking off his helmet in the process, revealing himself to be a nacho eating and sex loving normal looking person. As Kylo gives his helmet a refill of his grandfather's ashes, he gets closer to Ray, trying to make her talk to the hand while she attempts to resist the smell of his breath, finally calling him out on his compensation on the fact that he isn't the Whiney Little Prequel Bitch he was trying to be. Furious, he leaves the girl who just defied him alone with a single Stormtrooper. Kylo goes to Supreme Leader Snow to tell him how a girl kicked his ass. Snow tells Kylo to bring Ray to him. Kylo heads back to the cell to find Ray gone. Kylo then executes the restraints for failing to keep her locked up.
Becoming a Space HipsterWhile searching for Ray, Kylo's old people senses begin to tingle as he senses his father's presence on the planet and decides to search for him personally. Fortunately for him, his father finds him and shouts his real name at him, taking away the little badassery Kylo had collected throughout the film. He then confronts his father, taking off his helmet and crying like a wuss in the process. Eventually, he offers to re-join the side of the light as long as he gets his father's help, which he agrees to, and hands over his lightsaber. However, as Kylo looks into his father's old man face and is filled with the rage of a million hipster douchebags as he then activates his lightsaber, impaling his father, completing his journey to becoming a complete Space Hipster Douchebag. Chewy fires at Kylo, wounding him, detonates the charges around the place, causing it to begin to collapse.
To Kill a Protagonist
- "I can show you the ways of the Force!"
- ―Darth Kylo to Ray
Despite being wounded and farther away from an exit than any of the protagonists, Kylo manages to make it outside and get ahead of the protagonists. He then uses the force to push Ray against a tree instead of just force snapping her neck, but doesn't force push Fin against a tree for whatever reason, despite the result it had last time. He then lightsaber fights Fin, while striking his wound, pumping up adrenaline and allowing himself to bleed out. Fin manages to strike Kylo's shoulder, resulting in Kylo ending the duel with a move that he literally could have used at any point in the duel and slides his lightsaber up Fin's back while doing a really stupid spin in the process. He then tries to use the force to grab the Skywalker lightsaber instead of just walking over and grabbing it. He's somehow unable to grab it, because that's how the force works now, and the lightsaber force flies over to Ray, who ignites it.
The two fight, where Kylo never once tries repeating the same disarming move he did earlier. He then offers to train Ray, despite the fact that he himself has not completed his training. Then he allows Ray closing her eyes during combat and then get his ass kicked by a girl who's never used a lightsaber before, but is grateful that the lightsaber only burned his face instead of slicing it in half. However, the planet splits and bails him out. However, like a bad itch, he shall return!
Darth Kylo is the first of the space hipsters, meaning he tends to act like a douchebag a lot of the time. Like his grandfather, Darth Vader, Kylo likes to kill things when he's upset and choke people when they say stuff he doesn't like. His hipsterness is further displayed by his seemingly irrational hatred of old men, as he decided to kill two of them in one movie.
Kylo is what most people call "mentally unstable", going through various moodswings. Kylo also does not take failure or betrayal well, often resulting in who ever wronged him being killed.
Powers & Abilities
- Force User
- Telekenesis: Kylo is able to lift and move things with the power of the force. Kylo is able to use this ability to stop people dead in their tracks. This ability also allows him to ignore the laws of physics as he is able to stop light in mid-air with this ability.
- Telepathy: Kylo is able to use the force to enter people's minds and sense disturbances in the galaxy. He also has an "Old People Sense."
- Subpar Lightsaber Skills: Kylo is decently skilled with a lightsaber, but not that good.
- Stubbornness: Kylo refuses to die, despite being shot, slowly bleeding out, getting his face slashed up, and fighting in duels that would make him lose energy that much faster.
- Hipster Blade: Kylo wields a blade that reflects the douchebaggery of his character. The Hipster Blade utilizes a retro style, unlike mainstream lightsabers used by most Sith and Jedi. The saber utilizes crossguards that are TOTALLY PRACTICAL and offer him a greater offensive advantage.