- "Damn right my movie was fucking awesome!"
It's about damn time I got a page! No one seemed to be adding it, so I figured I just step in and write it for you guys! I mean, whose in a better position to tell you how awesome I am other than me? You're Welcome by the way.
My History of Awesome!
The Birth of a Legend
I was born a coal miner's daughter, my mother never breast fed me. Angry at the world, I trained to be the baddest ass in the world and I was! Of course I'll also try to avoid spoilers for my movie, but who the fuck am I kidding? You all saw it, you all loved it! But go ahead and read the page to re-assure just how awesome I am.
Phase 1 into Motion
I hear you saying: "Deadpool! You can't mean that Phase 1! You're owned by Fox!" Yeah, well fuck you! Feige can't suppress Deadpool! You know the person who launched the missile that blew shrapnel into Tony's chest? Who could do such a devastating and hearltess thi- oh yeah, IT WAS ME! Of course doing this got me dishonorably discharged...oops.
What about The Incredible Hulk, you know, the Marvel movie everyone hates despite the fact that no one saw it? I sold Betty Ross the purple pants. You're fucking welcome. Iron Man 2? Well, guess who has the bird Vanko left in Russia! How about Thor? I kept watch for Loki while he tried to lift Thor's hammer in the SHIELD study site. That guy took a while. Captain America: The First Avenger? How do you think Cap got on the street at the end so quickly? I held the door open for Cap as he escaped the SHIELD Complex. And The Avengers? You really think Dr. Selvig carried that device to the rooftop of Stark tower all by himself? Get outta here!
Alright, I didn't do jack shit during phase 1, not most of them, anyway. I WAS IN CANADA DAMNIT! Plus Rogers would've punted my mouth if he heard my language (that guy is awesome). I was living in flashback land during Phase 1 and part of 2. I was part of Weasel's Dead pool, being a merc doing merc things, until I met Vanessa and holy fuck is she awesome. Speaking of fucking, we did a lot of it. Naturally, with a relationship as prosperous as ours, I eventually fell victim to plot sickness because the assholes who wrote Zombieland decided I wasn't allowed be hot in the movie universe either! I don't care if it goes against the source material! What are the ladies supposed to look at for god's sake! Even Hulk's got some fans who want to fuck him!
So, I didn't want Vanessa to have to deal with the stress of this, and dealt with a woman named Vanessa MUCH BETTER than Wilson Fisk did. So I was heroically drinking away my sorrows, when Agent Smith approached me. We said a bunch of stuff that would no doubt show up in all the trailers and bottom line, you know what happened next, No Fucking Way You didn't see my movie! But, in case you are only eight who has mother a stick up her ass, so you didn't get to see it. I'll make it simple: Agent Smith is a nutgobbler. His boss, Francis, is a bigger nutgobbler. So they experimented on me with their pg-13 methods, before triggering a stand-alone movie mutation that made me into the lovable lookin' stud I am now. Now, as you might imagined, I was a little upset. So, I set the place on fire with the intention of smashing Francis's head into a puddle of blood and meat with a fire extinguisher. That....didn't work out so well, but I survived!
First things first, I had to tell Vanessa that I was alright, but the judgemental eyes of some infants made me feel like that wasn't the best action to take, despite how hot my fangirls say I am. I SEE THAT CATEGORY DOWN THERE! WHAT DO YOU MEAN "APPARENTLY?!" Now a broken and crispy man, I made my way back to Weasel's bar, where he complimented my newfound looks like an asshole. It was there that we, well I, Weasel didn't really do anything in the movie, decided I was going to make Francis the shitgoblin fix everything, I know I usually say face, but I mean everything! You don't realize what happened down there.
So, cue awesome ass montage of me kicking ass. By the way, it took three hours to kill the guy with a zamboni. Yes, it took a while, but let me tell you, it was totally worth it. Like, it was the wet dream of Quentin Tarantino. With this, I was able to track down Agent Smith. I chased him down and kicked his ass back to Galaxyquest, of course once he totally snitched on Francis' whereabouts.
The Beginning of the Film
And you thought Man of Steel had too many flashbacks. So I called for a taxi and that's when the underused character of Dopinder picked me up and dropped me off. Cue the scene that was in all the trailers, but it didn't matter because you still thought it was awesome, with the cars flipping, the people dying, and the cocks being punched. Oh, it also turns out that I did leave the stove on. Of course my sheer awesomeness was going to attract some attention, the attention of one glistening, communist fuck and his Teenage sidekick. But enough about them, let's talk about that really awesome scene where I counted down the bullets and made sure some had to share. Oh, that last one, the one that took out three guys? Never thought I would have been able to make that shot, but the cgi guys really pulled through for me! Then I turned a guy into a fucking ka-bob and treated the audience to the flashbacks that I experience every so often.
However, once we returned to our regularly scheduled bullshit, I finally found Francis and let him experience THE DEADPOOL. You probably couldn't tell by those quick cuts, but I was going at him for a good forty-five minutes. However, then chrome dick showed up and let Francis escape. Seeing a year's work go up in flames, I beat the shit out of Colossus! Yep! I sure did! He was all crying and shit and shaking a rattle. Yeah, I beat an X-Men without getting harmed whatsoever! AM I BADASS OR WHAT?! HEY! STOP LOOKING AT THE PICTURE!
Too Lazy, will continue once founder agrees to pay me more...
So I made it back to my place after some asshole stiffed me on my bill (I had also lost a hand, but who fucking cares) and I did what you're supposed to do when you're down in the dumps, jack off. Then I get a call from Weasel telling me how fucked my situation is about to become. So I have to head over to strip club and spill everything. But, as life would have, she was kidnapped. With all that emotion building up, it was like one hell of a frustratingly and disappointedly (I DON'T CARE IF THAT ISN'T A WORD, I'M USING IT!) angry failed orgasm. So, Francis the dick tip thought it'd be a good idea to kidnap Vanessa in an attempt to draw me out, BUT UNFORTUNATELY FOR HIM he's absolutely right.
So after loading up, I knew I would need backup because let's face it, even if Weasel did decide to show up, he wouldn't even be good enough for a human shield, so I decided to ask the Avengers for help. We did hang out for a bit though, but they eventually did tell me they couldn't help because of legal reasons. Still love ya Cap!
So, I had to settle for the damn B-Team and by that, I mean the B-Team's B-Team. Yeah, so I headed over to the X Mansion hoping to find Wolverine or Mag-freaking-neto, but no, had to settle for silver balls and an x-men no one had even heard of until my movie came out. So, Dopinder gave us a ride to where we needed to go, where I expertly threw suspicion off of our activities. However, SOMEONE left my ammo bag in the car, so I had to make do with what I had. Then Francis sent out some hired guns to try to kill us. I tried to reason with them, but they wouldn't listen (I would've killed them whatever their decision was), so I killed them all so easily it almost makes me wonder why I bother using firearms in the first place, except for Bob, WHO BETTER NOT BE GETTING HIS OWN PAGE!
So I let Francis know how much I want him and Ms Michael Bay launches me up to him. So I face off with his Francis as he makes it clear he wants me to kill him as slowly and painfully as possible and aside from him stabbing me in the noggin, I think I did a pretty good job. Luckily, Vanessa's always got my hot ass and she gives him a nice impalement. However, Ms Michael Bay then royally fucked things up by blowing up the support of the helicarrier (I don't care what the Director says, that's a goddamn helicarrier)! So of course I had to improvise, thank god the director made it work out.
So, Francis then jumps me, but because he sucks at everything, I am easily able to pound the shit out of him...that came out wrong...or did it? Yes, it did. I'll make up for it with the fact that I shot Francis in the fucking head. Then Vanessa and I make up and make out as the camera zooms out over careless whispers. Wham!
How Awesome I am!
I am fucking awesome. Nothing else, you don't need to know about my inner insecurities and how I am possibly just a sad clown who makes these jokes as a way to cope with the traumatic changes to my life! Nope, just know I'm awesome!
The Awesome shit I can do!
So, let's make a list:
- I've got awesome katana skills! One of the most skilled in the world!
- Really good at aiming with anything that kills people.
- The BAMF Button that always me to teleport into public bathrooms so I can steal the toilet paper!
- Healing Factor (Trademark, Registered, Copyrighted) makes it so I can't die. No matter how much you stab, shoot, burn, slice, and punch, I'll just re-form into the walking inner-anus you all know and love!
- Stamina, it makes me a great sexual partner!
- GIANT JOHNSON!
- Self Awareness. Ya know, FOURTH WALL BREAKING! Shit, I don't even think I just break the fourth wall, I think I instead strap the fourth wall and its family to a chair and burn their house down and then try to pee out the fire.