- "Salt and Corrosion! The INFAMOUS, OLD ENEMIES OF THE CRIME FIGHTER!"
In a city of psychopaths, one clearly stands above the rest. Batman is one of a kind, the lit match in a haystack.
Batman wakes up in a prison after having a dream about a kid falling down a hole for some reason. He then complains about his food and beats the shit out of some guys after saying something cool. He's then thrown into a cell where Liam Neeson is waiting for him. Liam offers to train him and Batman accepts. Like any training, it begins with Liam beating the hell out of Batman. He also manages to hit him so hard that Batman starts dreaming about the kid again, only this time his parents are shot. Batman then has flashbacks about throwing guns and getting beat up. Then he gets arrested for stealing his own stuff. Then Liam gives Batman drugs and he starts to trip balls. He then cuts people and blows up the place, but saves Liam, despite him being an asshole. He then meets Alfred and flies back to Gothom.
BATSBatman comes home and stalks his childhood friend for some time. However, when it seems like she isn't that in to him anymore, he becomes depressed. Batman tries to vent his frustration by sketching while shirtless on the floor when he notices a bat trying to fuck a corner of the wall. This inspires him to find the hole that one boy fell into. He crawls further in and finds a giant bat cave. The bats then come out and swarm at him, but upon realizing that he is destined to be the one known as Batman, they circle him instead.
Meeting with Morgan Freeman
Batman meets with Morgan Freeman, who then gives him body armor and a belt. Then Batman jumps off a roof. Morgan Freeman then gives Batman a cape and a tank and Alfred smashes a mask with a baseball bat. Batman then spray paints his outfit black instead of asking if it comes in black. Batman then starts putting all of his shit together so he can stop walking around as the vigilante homless man. Then he throws his prototype shuriken that he spent hours on against a wall.
- "I'm Batman"
Batman heads out for his first night as Batman, hoping to stop a drug shipment. Batman utilizes his skills of stealth, combat, and close-up shaky cam to mercilessly beat the shit out of everyone there. He then grabs mob boss Falcon and ties him to a spotlight, hoping to roast him alive. He then spends the rest of the night standing on top of a building, zoning out for hours. Batman then decides to throw off all suspicion by performing antics that would attract all suspicion. He then meets up with childhood friend, Rachel, who tells him the quote people will be saying whenever they want to sound deep.
Batman then meets up with Jim Gordon, the guy who shot at him the last time they met, who appears completely unfazed by the Giant Bat talking to him. He then comes across a kid, who he tries to distract from his abusive family with a military grade piece of hardware that Batman will probably need in the future. Batman then breaks into an apartment and beats up all the people who enter it. One just so happens to be the Scarecrow, who wants to show Batman what it's like to not have a brain, by spraying him with drugs and making Batman trip major balls. Then Scarecrow makes a bad pun and realizes that the only way to redeem himself is to light the goddamn Batman on fire. The Roasted Knight makes his way through the streets and on to a rooftop, because it's apparently easier for Alfred to pick him up there. He then pulls out his phone and mumbles something incoherently into it. Then Alfred arrives and somehow manages to get him into his car.
Batman quickly recovers and suits back up, so he can beat the shit out of people. Batman breaks into the underground level of Arkham Asylum, because he knows that's where all the bad guys are, and beats the shit out of them. Scarecrow tells one of the thugs to call the cops, and for whatever reason, Batman doesn't think to take that guy down first, as it might end up fucking up his plans. The Cops then arrive, fucking up Batman's plans. Batman finds Rachel in a critical state and realizes he needs to get her an antidote or else he won't get a kiss at the end of the film. Batman then calls a swarm of rabbie-infested Bats to attack the innocent officers doing their jobs.
Batman then escapes in his Batmobile as the cops pursue him. He tells Rachel to stay calm, then proceeds to perform some of the most psychotic driving anyone will ever experience. Batman then re-demonstrates his understanding of throwing off suspicion: By smashing into cars, smashing through buildings, and FLYING ON ROOFTOPS! Then he manages to lose much of cops, by moving into the shadows, which apparently makes the loud as hell tank engine go dead silent. Then Batman manages to lose the rest of the cops by smashing through a gate and traveling down a road with obvious tire tracks BECAUSE HE'S BATMAN!
Drunken Billionare Burns Down Home
Batman returns to his home, only to be reminded that it's his birthday, basically indicating that the rest of the climax takes place on his birthday. He comes downstairs and discovers that his entire party has been overrun by Liam Neeson and his ninjas! Batman tries to scare them away by acting drunk, but it doesn't work, so he then opts to do what he's best at: Batmaning them into submission. Then Liam tells Batman that he killed his parents. Liam then tries to kill Batman by having someone stab him in the back, while also telling Batman that he's going to have someone stab him in the back. Then Batman is defeated by a log, and Liam leaves him to die because Batman blew up his house and then brought him to safety so he could heal and now they're apparently even.
However, Alfred comes to the rescue, forever making Batman the DC hero who was saved by an old man. The two escape into the Batcave before the explosion can eat them. Batman has a small BSOD but unrealistically snaps out of it quickly. He suits up and heads out to once again fight the people who just kicked his ass.
Descent into Madness
Batman arrives in the narrow part of the city, where everyone is having a really bad trip. He gives Jim Gordon his car keys, then goes to beat up some mentally ill people in order to save Rachel and that kid who owes him money for the military grade piece of hardware he gave him. Batman then accidentally gives away his identity and glides away before Rachel can further question him. As he glides through the city, he scares the shit out of everyone, leading to them all joining together to eat him once he lands. Batman beats the hell out of some of Liam Neeson's ninjas, performing moves that would most likely kill them. Batman makes it to ground level, where the hungry citizens are waiting for him. They try to eat him, but Batman grapnels onto the train passing by overhead, also probably killing the guy who held on to him when he took off. Batman crashes into the train and decides to fight Liam instead of blow up the device that's been fucking everything up. Batman puts up a good fight, despite being unable to turn his head, but eventually falls to the power of Neeson. Batman then reveals it was his plan all along, as he and Gordon destroy what's left of his parents' legacy, and he leaves Neeson to die in a plummeting train, which is okay since he didn't technically kill him. Death by proxy.
Rachel comes to visit Batman at the ruins of his house to tell him that she won't be in the next movie and then they make out a bit. Later that night, Batman arrives at the rooftop of the police building, where he sees that Gordon had already started making Batman merchandise. Gordon then tells him about the foreshadowing they found at a crime scene. Batman then jumps off the building because...because end of first movie.
Visit to Metropolis
Batman arrives at Metropolis during the climax of Man of Steel, to make it clear to the audience that this sequel was all planned from the start. Batman drives through the set pieces from the last movie until he makes it to his building, which is now in Metropolis for some reason. However, Superman brings down the building and Batman runs straight into the falling debris, where any non main character would have died. He then proceeds to stop natural selection by saving a man who has lost his legs and a little girl just standing under falling debris. He then holds her close as he sees the conflict for the film re-entering Earth's atmosphere.
Royally pissed off about recent developments, Batman decides to take his rage out on random criminals. He finds his victim and chains him up for most likely BDSM purposes. He then pulls out the Bat-Brand that he keeps next to his shark repellent Bat Spray and brands the bastard. The cops arrive and, seeing Batman for the psychopath he is, try to blow his face off. They fail of course because they are police in a film where they aren't the main characters.
Batman arrives back at the Batcave, where Alfred tells him he's lost his mind. Batman deflects this criticism by telling Alfred he's always been this insane. Batman then tells Alfred that he's searching for a white washed Portuguese. Batman enters his city's local fight club so he can steal information from phones with his phone. People think it was a special Bat-gadgets, but they're wrong, Androids are just that awesome.
Batman then has one of his many hallucinations, this one being that his mother was a vampire and was pissed at him for burying her alive. After his nightly mental breakdown, Batman tells Alfred that he needs to break into Lex Luthor's house and hack into his servers. Alfred tells him that he doesn't need to because he's been invited. Batman then goes down to his cave and stares at his suit for possibly a solid hour and a half before driving to Luthor's residence.
Batman arrives, chugs a ton of beer, then goes to hack into Luthor's servers while talking to Alfred over earpiece as loudly as possible. He hacks into Luthor's server and acts drunk before walking back up stairs to stalk some ladies. He is then cock blocked by Clark Kent, who asks him about Gotham's most famous psychopath. This sobers Batman up immediately, who then tells him that Superman is a psycho as well. Then they are interrupted by another psychopath, Jimmy Kimmel, who quickly sees through their disguises. They are then approached by Lex Luthor, to whom Kimmel blows their identities. Royally pissed, Batman holds Superman's glasses so Superman can throw Kimmel's ass to Mars.
Realizing he actually doesn't have to talk to any of these losers, Batman heads down to the server room to find that his hacking device has been stolen by one of the women he was stalking. He follows after her, but is foiled by the fact that she has a car. However, due to his amazing stalking skills, Batman manages to find the woman and get his hacking device back.
Batman heads back to the bat-cave to de-crypt it, but after seeing that the process might take an eternity, he passes out. However, he wakes up when timeline fucker shows up and tells him spoilers to an upcoming movie. Batman then wakes up again, implying it's a dream, while the papers behind him imply otherwise, so it's logical to assume that once The Flash decided to leave, he smacked Batman in the head and knocked him out. Batman looks through the drive to see that he had been hunting a boat. Batman tells Alfred his plans and Alfred once again calls him out on his bullshit. Batman this time rationalizes that despite being a psychopath, there's 1% chance that Superman might be an even bigger psychopath.
To the Batmobile
Batman heads out to intercept the plot device known as Kryptonite so he can murder Superman. He shoots a tracking device onto the trucks then decides to immediately take the kryptonite instead of just tracking it to its destination. Batman then chases down the kryptonite, brutally murdering those who get in his way, instead of just... I actually can't think of a way for him to take down those cars without harming anyone to the point of death...
Anyway, while chasing after the kryptonite, he comes across a jaywalking Superman, who dents Batman's awesome car. Superman then rips off the car doors, probably because it looked like Batman would suffocate in the car if he didn't. Superman then politely tells Batman to retire. However, curious about Superman's bodily functions, Batman asks Superman if he is capable of bleeding. Superman gives him a look of confusion then flies off. Fearing Superman lacks the ability to bleed, Batman promises to make him.
Full on Psycho Mode
While watching the news, Batman sees his crippled employee going to complain about Superman. Batman seems fazed by this, despite spending the movie so far wanting to kick Superman's teeth in. However, another employee comes in showing him that they've been getting checks returned, to which Batman is shocked by his employee's incompetence. Then the congressional building explodes, sending Batman into full on psycho mode against Superman...for some reason.
So Batman enters Lexcorp, beats the hell out of most likely innocent security guards and steals the Kryptonite. Batman then prepares for a fight and inspires viewers everywhere to work out. Then Batman discovers from his hacking device that the woman he had been stalking is older than his father ever was.
- "It's the universal language. One of our best hopes for the eventual realization of the brotherhood of man."
Alfred finds Batman and tells him he's a fucking idiot, but Batman says naw. Batman then sends Wonder Woman (spoiler, she's Wonder Woman) an email and then heads to Gotham and activates the Bat-Signal to call himself and hype himself up. He stood there alone in the rain for a few hours before Superman showed up and starts kicking the shit out of him. However, Batman is a fucking cheater and forces Superman to huff Kryptonite. Batman then beats the shit out of Superman until Superman starts to gain his powers back, which then causes Batman to back away like a little bitch as Superman tackles him through the floor. Batman then blasts Superman in the face with kryptonite then smashes a fucking sink on his head.
- "NOW YOU WANNA GET NUTS?! C'mon! Let's get nuts!"
Batman has a fairly stable mental state.
Powers & Abilities
- Power of the Plot: There is literally nothing Batman can't do... except be happy with his parents.
To be added
- Plot Armor: Batman can literally survive ANYTHING...even a fucking NUCLEAR EXPLOSION.
- Useless, Fleshy, Human Body